story

I despised standing in front of the mirror because my new reflection was unrecognizable. I stared my new truth square in the eye – a balding, inflamed scalp. There were no clumps of hair on my pillow or strands in my brush; this change was swift without warning. Perhaps I "trauma blocked" the hair loss because it was too much to bear. Nevertheless, my hair was never thick. I'd describe it as 4c in texture that was typically nape length. I had various hairstyles growing up, including the 80s Jerry curl, 90s box braids, and the early 2000s molded pixie cut. My hair loss struggles roughly began in my early 20's, provoked by lesions, sores, and uncontrollable tears. My locks intertwined with my identity, and the joy I experienced playing dress-up was gone. My femininity was jaded. I hated what was happening to me. I tried my best to hide it by smearing L'Oréal waterproof mascara on my scalp between the strands. Hair fibers were messy, and lastly, I would cut pieces of hair extensions into tiny pieces and sprinkle them on my scalp to no avail. In my mind, any attempt promised hope, yet failure remained victorious. I cried a lot and smiled even more. I used my humor to hide the pain. I felt unattractive with a heavy sense of guilt. I harbored resentment and envy towards anyone with hair and cursed women in my mind who whined about the manageability of their mane. Meanwhile, I just wanted mine back. My alarm clock was a daunting trigger of self-diagnosis. Commercials that served as background noise as I got ready in the morning seemed to be exclusively shampoo commercials. Not to mention, the commute to work tugged at my ego as I tried to bury my face in a book; I couldn't help but notice passengers twiddling their fingers in their hair or the guy with the messy bedhead. I just wanted to feel beautiful again without having to perform magic tricks just to leave the damn house. Then came the workplace comments, you know who I'm talking about. They sound like this: "Oh, a new hairstyle, Christal? "That's different." "What's up with your hair? Is it real?" And the infamous, "Can I touch it?" Like WTH?!?! What part of my hair translated into becoming the office mascot? I swear if people only knew how exhausted I was trying to get out of bed or how uncontrollably itchy my scalp was as it bled. Sigh... As time progressed, I became the Houdini of Hair. I found creative ways to hide the exterior through headwraps, toupees and wigs. Internally, I was a hot mess, and I honestly can't pinpoint when the "shift" occurred. It could be defined as my rock bottom moment - I just had enough. I finally acknowledged but had not accepted that some areas of my hair would never grow back. I had to be okay because my hair was just a fraction of my identity. I needed to purge this toxicity, and I had some hard choices to make: 1. I could let my circumstances fuel my negative mindset 2. Use this as an opportunity to delve deeper and bring to light core issues that extended beyond hair loss 3. Recognize that I am not these feelings of doubt, sadness, anger, low self-esteem, and uncertainty. I chose what was behind doors 2 and 3, and so the true journey began. I saw several specialists and underwent various assessments, including blood and allergy workups. But only after ten years, when a scalp biopsy was performed, did I have a name for this disrespect. Central Centrifugal Cicatricial Alopecia (CCCA), a form of scarring alopecia. This form of alopecia destroys the hair follicle and replaces it with scar tissue, which results in permanent hair loss. In some cases, it can be associated with severe itching, pain, burning and progress rapidly. It can occur in healthy men and women of all ages, and the causes are unclear. Common treatment options include anti-inflammatory oral medications and topical treatments, including steroid injections to the scalp. Their goal is to decrease or eliminate the inflammatory cells attacking/destroying the hair follicle, but their effectiveness is not guaranteed. I suffered for several more years doing a variety of home remedies to try to keep the inflammation under control with minimal success. One day, while surfing the net, I came across a naturopathic doctor and a medical MD specializing in helping women like me. The naturopathic approach was to help women who have hormonal imbalances, anxiety, insomnia, autoimmune diseases, and other conditions, while the medical doctor's specialty was to help those with chronic complex conditions related to external exposures to prevent further problems, promote health, well-being and improving coping skills. Both practitioners offered more of a long-term approach that included an extensive review of my diet and lifestyle. Though neither offered a magic pill that would cure my hair loss, they both provided treatment options that would help reduce the inflammation and set me on a path to a healthier, balanced way of living. I should mention that I wasn't sleeping much, I was extremely moody, I didn't eat very healthy and found comfort in a lot of junk foods. Since my hair loss was a combination of my internal system being so out of whack, long term over processing of my hair, stress, anxiety, a poor diet, and lack of sleep just to name a few, I had to remove all triggers. This included eliminating gluten, dairy, and a sharp reduction of sugar. Armed with my cheat sheet of "inflammatory foods to avoid" from my doctor, I remember my first trip to the grocery store as a gluten n dairy free newbie. It was overwhelming and stressful, to say the least. I didn't have a clear understanding of gluten. Dairy was a bit more straightforward or so I thought but I didn't know that gluten and dairy were in a lot of my everyday foods. A trip to the store that would normally take me 30 minutes tops took forever! I was reading the ingredients on everything, and when I did find a "gluten free section" the selection wasn't very much and who the heck was paying $7.99 for bread, not me! So, I loaded up on fruits, vegetables, and beans. The thought of having to learn to eat a different way was almost too much to bear, but I had come too far to turn back. I took a deep breath, ditched the pity party, and decided to become the change I wanted to see. Before I continue, I want to be clear: I am speaking from my own experiences. Removing gluten and dairy helped me tremendously and may not be the right solution for you. We are all different, and what works for one may not work for others. It is now 2023. I am no longer on an elimination diet as my inflammation is under control, but I am conscious of what I put in my body, as certain foods can trigger a reaction on my scalp. It's been quite the process, and from one alopecian to another, life is full of quirks, with alopecia being no exception. I used to hate her, but I discovered a better version of myself through it all. I found my voice resilient, empathetic, patient, and full of grace. If I hadn't walked through this fire, I couldn't have written this open letter to those of you who are going through hair loss. You may feel less attractive, angry, confused, frustrated and alone, but you aren't. I see you because I am you. It may be tricky to express how you feel because no one can truly understand the hurt that plagues your core, but I can relate compassionately. I am here to tell you that you are beautiful with or without hair. It's not societal standards or the opinions of others that define you; it's your character, and you are the author of your narrative. Guys, I never would have thought in a million years that I could wholeheartedly say, "I rock a bald head that I absolutely love." My crown is a blank canvas that has afforded me the luxury to transform my appearance through accessories, make-up, fashion, headwraps, scalp embellishments and even henna crowns. Why? Because alopecia has graced me with commitment issues – your girl cannot choose between the variety of fabulousness. I work to lead by example to show you that it's okay to be imperfectly perfect. I don't believe in coincidences because I know this happened to me for a greater purpose. It deepened my spiritual growth and increased my desire to help others while learning to love all parts of me. So, you see, my queens, there is life beyond alopecia. This vlog is for you! You're welcome.